Is it easier to run away?

So the final blow was delivered yesterday.  After waiting until i couldn't wait anymore.  I came out with it and was either going to get the answers to all my questions and/or just end it myself and start getting over the loss of someone I thought was the "one".  I had to prepare myself to not get in a fight with Ann, because that would only accomplish nothing.  I thought the conversation on my part went very good, and I laid out all the things that I needed to say and thought that she needed to hear.  It leaves a sickening feeling to find out how easy it is for someone you love and respect to just be able to disconnect from you so easily and so coldly!  I constantly ask myself when am I going to listen to my intuition and stop thinking that I have the power to make something work.  The truth is, that you can't force someone to feel the same way you do, especially if they are so stubborn and close themselves off as soon as a problem comes by.  Anyone who says that a good relationship is easy, and doesn't have to be worked on is not going to find happiness with someone else for too long.  I guess it easier to run away and leave all your problems behind, but those problems will just present themselves in a new form where ever you go!  Ann and I had / have a  friendship that was so important to me that I should have learned from the first 2 times, and I wouldn't be in this mess.  I am struggling right now with the feeling of abandonment, hurt, apathy, and so many others.  I wish I was over it already, and go back to just being her friend, but it is way too early for that.  My pride is destroyed, and I am keeping myself away from anything that reminds me of her.  I hope that in time I will be able to regain my pride and be able to be friends with her.  I consider her to be my best friend and that is the part that hurts the most.  I should have not let her pull those strings for a 3rd time!!!  I know that I will not let this happen again, especially with her!  I would love for her to come back to me and said she made a mistake and wants to work things out, just so I can say no, and tell her that our friendship will be for life if we never cross that line again!  It was so much easier to be her friend, and much more permanent.  Is it wrong to think that in a relationship, there will be ups and downs?  Is it wrong to think that you must allow the person you are with to make mistakes and see if they learn from them before you put that wall back up and shut them out?  If you feel the answer is yes, which I do,  then I know that there is nothing I can do to make her realize that, and that she has that issue to work out with herself.  The "I'm over it"  feeling has an open invitation from me to arrive asap!!!!  there are so many things i want to pound into her head and try to make her understand, but i know it would be just like talking to a brick wall!  The only thing i can do is wait, so here I am waiting.... on what I haven't been able to make up my mind on...................

Unadulterated I. E.

I have learned that having expectations of someone will only end up with you having an empty unsatisfied feeling in the pit of your stomach!  It is extremely funny / sad how you can start off a new relationship with someone you  know and understand as well as you understand yourself, but then feel like they are a complete stranger once you cross that proverbial line of an obscured definition of that relationship.
Then you have to worry about who is going to choose which side and on and on it goes to become something so fucked up that you want to run and get away from the anxiety that it has created.  It is something I have struggled with since I have discovered what it is to be in any relationship, friend or more.   I find it hard to believe anyone when they say "I don't lie, because at least I know then, I have nothing to hide and am being completely open with who I am".  We all have our own ways of, if not lying, then not telling the whole truth.  It seems that there is this certain line that once it is crossed, things all of a sudden change to something else!    Nobody wants to play the fool, but once you played it so many times over you sort of get tired of being in that role. So you have choices, but choosing which one is torturous and nerve racking!!!!  On one hand I think there is a part in everyone who wants to be special to a certain other that they love.  Not just special, but a special that can not be reached by anyone else but you.  We look to create an unbreakable bond with another that will separate you from all the confusion, and obscurity of the outside world.  Once you have that bond it seems like you are on top of the world!  If that bond is taken away for whatever reason it will put a weight on ones shoulders that will crush every good thought that tries to push its way up through the adversity.  So how do you reverse the damages?  The fact is...... you can't. the only things you can do is either grow from it and move forward over the obstacle if it is that important to both people involved ( or if your into this type of this 3 or more people involved), or stop it completely and hope that in time your friendship will heal back!  Both choices are not easy at all and hurt pretty bad, but the loss of a strong friendship is a much harder thing to deal with and takes so much longer to get over!  If one of the people involved becomes emotionally unavailable in a relationship, then there is nothing you can do, except do you!  you must give people their space to do them, but at the same time if you wait on the sidelines too long for them to figure themselves out in regards to you, you will never get any playing time in the game and will ultimately lose!  The point of this entry is that communication is key no matter how much it might suck to say something that is on your mind and risk hurting someone you love, but regardless they will respect you in the end or if they don't then they are letting their pride get in the way!  When you try to hard you run the risk of fucking it all up!!  "The deepest cut of all comes from a trusted friend."